oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You took a bar mat shot.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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