Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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