i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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