I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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