i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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