I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
