Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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