I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
