bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
