i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We need a shit load of segways right now
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
