But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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