omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
