I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
