260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
