If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
