i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
