Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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