Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Is Oprah even human
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
