Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize