Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
