From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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