just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
