I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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