We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
