Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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