My liver just broke up with me...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
