I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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