life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
