cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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