If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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