I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
