I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
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I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
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WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza