Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Randomize
