I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
It's never too late to be topless.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.