you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
So many bounce houses so little time
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Randomize
