I don't usually arrange sex via text message
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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