Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
