I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
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