Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
