Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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