Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
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It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
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Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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