you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
