um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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