apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
