there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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