I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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