I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
