I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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