Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
