i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
