ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Randomize
