The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
