What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
