I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
