I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
he was CRYING into my vagina
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
