Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
