I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Is it because I queefed?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
ttyl tear gas
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
