So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I don't deserve a penis
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
