Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
So vagazzling was a success
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
