i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
